My last entry.....

“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too.”

― Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky

....interesting to notice I haven't laid word to page here since October of 2013.  It is not clear why...I have thought about writing, but it just hasn't been the right timing...or...too vulnerable or intimate to share details when they so deeply involve another... or ...I got too lost in the relationship...or...I was too busy living life...or...?

So I am making this my last entry on this blog of "20 years later".  I am closing this chapter in my life....an ending so that I can begin a new book.  And yet just one of many in a series, never really ending, just continuing....

So, my big experiment is coming to an end, at least in the sense of the relationship aspect of the experiment.  I realized that many dreams came true during this time, moving toward possibility of partnership was just one of them.  I had always wanted to... live in another culture different than my own to learn about myself and the world a little more, to live somewhere where I could really improve my Spanish, to live near the beach, to try living in a small town (without a car!), to live closer to nature, to have space to relax and enjoy life...

...and so there were some new unexpected things that I found as well that have changed my life...I have met many beautiful new people from around the world, whether we just knew each other for a moment, or have a strong connection that will continue, I found systemic family constellation work--an incredible healing tool, janzu--a water therapy/dance/healing modality that I learned to give and healed greatly receiving, and a new way of living--some aspects that I can embrace, some that make me appreciate my own way of being and my own culture, and many new insight into who I am/how I am in the world.  

...and so again, comes the leaving...leaving great people that are doing beautiful work here, leaving the water--the sea and its shores, the cenotes, the lagoon and mangroves--all magical places, leaving a beautiful yoga studio in town,  leaving behind good italian pizza and gelatto!, and mostly importantly leaving behind the dream I had with the man I had hoped could be my partner, and his sons and his familiy... and it is painful...and I am doing the work to heal this and I am so grateful to be doing it in as loving a way as I am able to...

But so maybe a new dream can come true. That of maintaining my connection to all that I have in Michigan, the beautiful people that have a big space in my heart, the communities that are transforming the world, the beautiful forests and lakes, .... and still have time here....in the winters, which are a hard time for me... I have thrived here with the sun and have always wanted to be away from Michigan winters...(although I love some aspects of winter, just not for so long).  I have people here...some of which will still be here, some that may be gone.  I know how to live here, it won't be a new process all over again...

The insights will continue to expand once I am back in my own culture and space, with space to look back and see from a different angle.  I have cleared a space of holding onto something for 22 years, breaking illusions, opening up for something new. I don't know what the future holds for me, but I am open and trusting to receiving what the universe has planned for me.  I am trying to maintain this space.  And although there are many  unknowns for me in coming back, I know that I am coming back to open loving arms of my family and friends and that I will still have my family here in Tulum...

“There is a kind of magicness about going far away and then coming back all changed.” 

― Kate Douglas Wiggin, New Chronicles of Rebecca

Are you IN or are you OUT?

Well, it isn't actually that simple, that black and white.  There are many grey areas, many mixtures of possibilities, a full spectrum that one can slide around on.  It depends on the moment, the mood.  There are societal expectations and ideas of how one should be, so changes are made to fit the mold. There are also many different definitions from different places.

So I will speak from personal experience.  I am writing about introversion and extroversion, but mostly about introversion.  I am an introvert.  And I am a highly sensitive person (HSP). The two frequently go together, but are not synonymous.  So, I will call myself  a highly sensitive introvert (HSI).  And I say this with pride and without apology for who I am.  This wasn't always the case.


Learning these things about myself years ago were huge "Ah Ha!" moments for me.  It gave me validation to be who I am.  To learn about my gifts, not just see them as failings (which they are sometimes defined as in this world).  And to learn about the struggles and challenges that come with this as well.

Moving to another country,  leaving all the familiar behind was not easy for me as an HSI.  I am like a cat.  I don't like when you rearrange the furniture.  I am once again reacquainting myself with my introvert self. I am re-remembering what this means.  I just finished listening to a book called:  The Introvert's Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World by Sophia Dembling.  It was once again helpful and written with a sense of humor!  (it's on audible.com)

I knew who I was in Detroit.  I knew my boundaries and limits.  I knew what I liked to do and didn't like to do.  I knew how to say "yes" or "no" (most of the time).  I knew to take my own car so I could leave a party if I needed to.  I had close intimate relationships that were fulfilling.  I was even meeting new good friends.


Now, I am in a different country, with a different language that I can only 'more or less' navigate at this point.  New culture and customs, different way of life.  And a new partner, who I am discovering more and more is an extrovert! Yikes! (yet with many introvert tendencies...I think he is an introvert that decided to turn extrovert if that is possible...he said that life wasn't any fun....an example of the oppression introverts may feel...I am curious to do more exploring about this with him.)

So, all of those moments that I have had so far that have felt difficult socially weren't only because of the language and new place and culture and new people.  It was also because I was in groups! Ha!  One thing about being an HSI is I really prefer one on one time and meaningful conversations.  I like quality time.  Small talk and chit chat are draining to me.  I listen too well, and don't like when people don't listen to me, or interrupt me.  It takes me longer to process.  I hate that I feel like I have to fight to jump in on the conversation...so, then I just start to drift off.  I prefer the company of my own thoughts in these moments.

I am happy to be home alone for hours, to go to the beach by myself, to read a book, write a blog, paint a picture, etc. and I need people in my life.  It is hard on Giovanni that he is my social life.  It is hard on me to be a part of his extroverted-style social life.  So, we are figuring that out.  I am encouraging him to go with his friends without me sometimes and I am beginning to figure out who I may want to build relationships with, even if it means leaving the house or making a phone call!

A number of years back, I had another "Ah-ha!" moment when I was able to distinguish between solitude and loneliness.  Solitude feels good, it feels like a choice, it is healthy, something that I need and cherish.  I recharge with quiet time alone.  Extroverts recharge with people time.  Loneliness doesn't feel as good, and you can feel lonely anywhere, anytime.  Like feeling lonely even though you may be surrounded by people at a party. 

Then there is isolation which is something I need to watch, especially now.  Then it is no longer healthy solitude.  It becomes hiding because it is easier.   My brother who moved to another state and understands the experience of moving said, "it is easy to stay in the house, but you need to get out!"  I think that the Mexican culture has something to teach me about this, so I am open to learning about a new way of life and sense of community, as long as I still get my space!

Just a few resources, (there are many)....if you are an introvert, or think you might be, or if you are an extrovert, it will help you to be an ally to introverts: 
http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/
http://www.hsperson.com/
facebook: Sophia Dembling Writer, Introverts are Awesome, The Introvert Entrepreneur

p.s.  thinking about my niece and wanting to support her in this, i was looking for books  for young people about introversion....if anyone knows of any please let me know....I am thinking about writing a children's book about this...important for us to know ourselves from early on and for the parents and family to understand.

Celebrate Good Times, Come On!

I had a dream last night.  I was in the local supermarket here (kind of a small Meijer type of store) and I saw three older African Americans.  I think one woman asked me where I was staying and I told her I was  from Detroit.  Then she said, "Americans complain the most."

So, I don't want to be one of those!   I have been writing a bit about my struggles and challenges, but there has been lots of beauty and sweetness also, I guess you just don't need to process that as much!


The title of this post comes from the Imperial Gas Company.  Their jingle that lets you know they are coming down the street with propane gas for your stove in case you need some.  it is very similar to Kool and the Gang's "Celebrate" song.  So it makes me happy.

I have been welcomed graciously by family, friends and community, and have great neighbors.  There have been many sweet moments with Giovanni.  He is an awesome cook, we have eaten well.  I feel like cooking again.   I have done some great healing with him.  We have had beach time, traveling, bike rides and ice cream.  We are setting up a home together.  We have shared wonderful massages.  I have had sweet times with his sons.

I am an aunt here.  I held a brand new baby (less than 24 hours old), and she will be a part of my life.  I went to a birthday party for 2 sweet souls, 3 and 6 years old.  I swam with the 1 year old son of Giovanni's niece.  I know I will find more ways to spend time with young ones.

I have swum in the ocean with fish and turtles, run along the shore with a full moon, watched a couple of baby turtles swim out to sea to start their new lives, seen and heard many beautiful birds, seen gorgeous blooming flowers and butterflies, eaten delicious tropical fruits, and eaten yummy cheesecake with a friend from home. 


I have practiced yoga surrounded by tropical plants and next to the ocean.  I have had thoughts like, "i am not on vacation, this is my life!"  I have eaten traditional Mayan food and seen traditional dances and walked in the jungle among the Mayan ruins.

I have walked and biked in the rain, I have allowed myself to rest, really rest.  I have listened to great music.  I laugh a lot, and joke with Giovanni, and I still cry.  Sometimes I do both at the same time! I ride my bike around town, buy groceries in the local fruit and vegetable store.   I have met artists and seen good art and have my own projects going.  I have spent time writing and meditating.  I am relaxing and letting go... and discovering.....

Mold, Rust and Bugs, Oh My!

In my last post, I wrote about the amount of rain that has been falling.  Come to find out this actually is somewhat unusual.  There is tropical storm Manuel and Hurricane Ingrid to the northeast and south, so we are feeling the effects of these here.  This is the peak time of year, although hurricane season lasts until November 30th. I did know this moving here.  But it is not something to worry about.  There are systems set up and it is something you have warning and time for.  Not that I am necessarily interested in experiencing one, especially the aftermath....blessings to all of those who have passed or lost their homes recently.

So,as I wrote in my last post: "... the plants and earth are happy with so much water.  As are the mold and the mosquitoes...".  With an already existing high humidity (90% today), and mucho rain and no sun, this is the perfect breeding ground for mold and mildew! Yay!  

Our neighbors are a young couple from Guanajuato where it is drier and so this is new for them also, and one of them had a brown leather jacket....Giovanni called it green. yuk.   See pictures and read in this blog:  http://hilaryinmumbai.com/2011/07/25/mold-wave/

I caught a few things of mine early and cleaned them, but there is still no sun to put them out in.  This is the essential ingredient in combating the stuff.  I actually sent a couple of important things home with a friend who just went back to Detroit bc I didn't want them to get ruined.  It can be kept in check, but it is a lot of work....ufff.

I just found some jewelery this morning that was beginning to get fuzzy.  Wood and seeds and cotton cord, natural stuff goes first.  So I will get to them shortly, but there is still no sun.  We are putting some things under a hot lamp and keeping lights on and fans moving.  This morning I reminded myself that it is all just temporary and impermanent, right?

And so if something is not getting fuzzy and green, it is rusting!  All bikes here that are not brand new are rusty. And they just paint on top of it so it doesn't look rusty.  I looked at a bike where they painted the chain silver!

You don't even have to go anywhere near the salt water.  You don't even have to bring something outside to get rusty, it is just the high level of moisture in the air.  Kitchen utensils, metal snaps and buttons on clothes, anything.



A friend of mine was just visiting for a couple of days.  She got eaten up by mosquitoes.  Like me when I first got here.  People here say you build up antibodies after awhile?  I am not reacting as much as I was when I first got here, so maybe.  They are different here.  they are small and black and fast.  You don't even hear them or see them, and don't feel the bite until they are gone so you don't even get the satisfaction of smashing them, (this is the one bug I might kill, generally I take spiders and things outside and let them go). I really wouldn't mind sharing my blood, it is just the itch that lasts for days is terrible...why so mean, mosquito?  I call them stealthy, little stealth bombers, and they love the rain, and the more water there is the more breeding grounds...

Then there are the cockroaches and little teeny ants that invade your house and are really just something you need to get used to.  I was freaked out at first and we do have things in place to keep them in check, but I think they are just inevitable.  I guess I kinda pretend that the cockroaches just aren't there.  You don't really see them.  Not like the time I was in New Orleans and they were crawling on the fruit bowl in the middle of the day.  But these are BIG here, but they are a different kind, my understanding is they are more of an occasional visitor than an infestation (I will spare you a photo of them!)  And I just read that that you can get borax here, it is called ácido bórico and you mix it with sugar and the ants go bye bye.   Will have to try this.

Rain, rain Go Away

I don't know now how many days of rain we've had without sun.  And the forecast is for more and more and more.  60 to 70% chance rain through the 24th (and beyond?) Sometimes it rains for part of the day, some days it rains all day, sometimes it sprinkles, mostly it downpours.  Sometimes there is lightning and thunder, mostly not.  I guess this is why it is called rainy season.  Many times I have gotten ready to leave the house, only to have it start raining.  Other times I have left the house and even with a raincoat, had to find shelter, and still got wet.  At least it is not cold when you are wet.  They even cancel school on some days, kind of like a snow day.

And here many people do laundry by hand and hang it up in the sun.  My laundry basket is overfilled.  I could go to a laundromat, but need to carry it all on a bike.  I guess I have done that in Detroit.  We would take the bus to the laundromat before I had a car and when we didn't have a machine where we lived.  I loved having a machine to wash and dry clothes...enjoy it if you have it.  We also have a laundry line running through our living room/kitchen/dining room.  It feels so "country" as they would say, but serves a purpose.  Just part of life here.


Giovanni doesn't like doing laundry either.  He would take his clothes to a place where they charge you by weight, which is much more expensive of course.  I remember telling him, "I'll wash your clothes, I don't mind."  He told me this morning he said (in his head), "she has no idea what she is saying!  She must have a machine that does it all".





So, don't get me wrong, I do love the rain.  I love the coziness it creates, the mood where you just get to stay in the house, maybe stay in the bed a little longer, watch a movie.  You don't feel bad about wasting a beautiful day....(this is a Michigan reference...we'll see if this is ever true here).

One night I was out walking and it started to rain and instead of finding shelter, I decided to continue walking.  I got soaked, but it kinda reminded me of childhood days when we would let ourselves go out and play in the rain.  Now I am an adult. (wink wink).  There is nothing like getting wet and being a little cold and coming in and taking a hot shower.....too bad I don't have hot water!


And, it has also brought a relief to the exhausting heat that I arrived here with, that kept me wanting to stay int the house because I couldn't deal with it.  And the plants and earth are happy with so much water.  As are the mold and the mosquitoes...more to come about this.....

And you can't have a rainbow without rain.

A new day

 

"One writes not to be read but to breathe...one writes to think, to pray, to analyze. One writes to clear one's mind, to dissipate one's fears, to face one's doubts, to look at one's mistakes--in order to retrieve them. One writes to capture and crystallize one's joy, but also to disperse one's gloom. Like prayer--you go to it in sorrow more than joy, for help, a road back to 'grace'."

~Anne Morrow Lindbergh 

I don't remember where I found this quote, but it is beautiful.  This writing and sharing thing is new to me.  There have been moments in my life where I've journaled regularly.  One of them was my first trip to Mexico in 1992.  I still have those journals.  Recording the time that I met Giovanni.  But I was a different person then.  We wouldn't have made it back then.  I was 22.  I was confused, lost, depressed.  I had work to do.

  I did that work.  21 years of growing, learning, healing, and still plenty of work to do, and I can also accept myself as I am, and love who I am.  I have joy in my life.  Much of this can be attributed to the powerful work I have done with my Spritual communities; Changing Woman and Earthwallk, and I am forever grateful for my amazing teachers  and fellow travelers on this planet and the guidance they gave my on my journey, the kicks-in-the-asses that they knew I needed, that I couldn't see myself.  Balancing Truth and Love.  Truth without Love can be cruel.  Love without Truth can have the tendency to be co-dependent. But together they can be powerful.  That kick-in-the-ass that knocks you down but then allows you to stand taller in the end.

I saw some hummingbirds yesterday.  To me they represent joy and teach me to play.  They are my totem animal and were with me before and during my Vision Quest last summer. They are part of a shift I have felt the last 2 days.  The grieving, the letting go, the not wanting to get out of bed feeling have lifted.   I have turned the corner, and feel excited about life again, and as much as I try to accept all of it, I really do like this side better.

I feel interested and have a long list of things I want to do, all at one time!  I wonder sometimes if it might be similar to the manic side of bi-polar.  I have wondered at times if i have a milder form of this, called cyclothymia, but I am not going to diagnose myself, maybe it is just the normal ups and downs of life, with some extra intensity.  Or maybe after the down, the up feels so good it is exciting. And remembering that all of it, what we may label as "good" and "bad" is all impermanent, it too will pass, so don't get attached to the ups either.   I also don't in anyway want to diminish the lives of those who have bi-polar...it is an intense life, and I honor the courage it takes to be in the world and manage this.  

(Please be mindful about using these words when describing yourself or others lightly, such as: "Why is he being so bi-polar?", it diminutizes the struggle people have with this, it is a part of mental health oppression...same as when you say, "She is crazy", "He is retarded", "That's so gay"...you get it.)

 This is the song I play when I feel this way.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfJRX-8SXOs

Nina Simone Feeling Good Lyrics

Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel

(refrain:)x2
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me,
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
Blossom on the tree you know how I feel

(refrain)

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That's what I mean

And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel 

I was on skype with a friend last night, talking about my new life here.   "...this old world is a new world, And a bold world For me....".  It is exciting what I am doing.  Fear and excitement are just 1 vibration level away from each other, I can make that shift.  I don't know yet what life is going to be like here...and I am interested to find out.  Felipe is a man from Chicago, a friend of Giovanni who just bought land here with his wife Linda.  He calls Tulum "magical", so I am going to find out what this magic is and what it has to offer me....I do like this side better, and I am grateful for the wisdom that the other side brings also.  Wisdom and Suffering are two sides of a coin.  The wisdom comes after going through the suffering.  Amazing thing, this life!