So, as the time for the announcement of the Kresge fellowship draws nearer (the end of June), it is becoming my disclaimer about moving to Mexico..."....August 16th unless I get the Kresge fellowship!".
If you don't know what it is, it is a $25,000 fellowship and support for Detroit area artists (visual artist specifically for me). https://blu173.mail.live.com/default.aspx?id=64855#n=1935710730&fid=1&mid=3522fc7a-cee8-11e2-8adf-80c16e65074c (and thanks to David Conklin for encouraging me to apply)
They choose 9 visual artists, so I keep saying, "They choose NINE artists!" vs...."they only choose nine artists". I figure I need to want it and believe it could happen if there is any possibility of co-creating with the Universe in making it happen. And it just got better, I assumed 1,000's of artists applied, but only 700 did. You'd have to ask someone interested in math what the odds are, but better than I thought.
So, as I am always conscious and aware (or as much as is available to me or I want to admit to myself at any particular time!), I am paying attention to how this is affecting my thoughts of moving. I was checking in to see if perhaps I was using this as a buffer to the feelings of leaving and going through such a big change. As a way of procrastinating. Maybe. But i think I also needed a break. I can't possibly feel all of the feelings connected to this all of the time!! It would be a great opportunity to further my career as an artist. And I would have resources to visit Giovanni still and even do work and studies in Mexico, (although I need to be in Detroit for most of the year).
But there are some problems to this as well...I am finding I don't have the motivation to do the things I need to to move with the lingering possibility of not moving. I am starting to worry about not getting everything done...I need to revisit my priorities, I still need to clear out material possessions, but should it be as drastic? It is easier to let go of attachment to things when you don't have as much of a choice...this may still be a good practice for me anyway. I might just end up hitting the ground running at the end of June....
This is also putting any going away party plans on hold, it might be a little awkward to have a going away party when I am still here....or maybe it could become a celebration party of receiving the fellowship!
Do I plan to continue getting ready, or do I think about the year ahead here? ....am I being unrealistic about receiving the fellowship? Is it like playing the "what if I win the lottery game?" Is is avoidance? Is is manifestation? It is an interesting space to be in It is like being in between two trapezes, floating in the air, waiting to land..... with 3 more weeks to go.
I am also noticing some fear around....If I don't move to Mexico now, what if something happens that keeps that from happening??!! yikes....well, that is life, right? Part of my trusting in life is knowing it could change at any moment....Even with something like a wedding and all of the plans and money and energy that goes into it, you have up until saying "I do" to change your mind. (this is just an analogy--I have no plans to get married).. I am staying open to all of it, although it feels scary.
I was told by one of my my teachers this weekend to "Trust" ..."It is like when you go white water rafting and you fall out of the boat....you can't struggle and swim, you need to straighten your legs out in front of you and flow with the river."
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| Porcupine Mountains 2012 Jen Boyak |
May what I do flow from me like a river--Rilke
no forcing it and no holding back,
the way it is with children.
Then in these swelling and ebbing currents,
these deepening tides moving out, returning,
I will sing you as no one ever has,
streaming through widening channels
into the open sea.
For me, it is may i be able to flow with what happens (either way, or at anytime!) I was by Lake Huron this weekend and I walked down to a river and sat with it and studied it for awhile, it has much to teach me.
But either way it is a win-win situation. If I receive it, I get to really focus on my art, and still continue my relationship with Giovanni with more opportunities to see him throughout the year more than in the past year, and perhaps have a softer move. If not, I get to move earlier and still focus on my art, but have much more time getting to know Giovanni and Mexico and myself. Stay tuned......
