Are you IN or are you OUT?

Well, it isn't actually that simple, that black and white.  There are many grey areas, many mixtures of possibilities, a full spectrum that one can slide around on.  It depends on the moment, the mood.  There are societal expectations and ideas of how one should be, so changes are made to fit the mold. There are also many different definitions from different places.

So I will speak from personal experience.  I am writing about introversion and extroversion, but mostly about introversion.  I am an introvert.  And I am a highly sensitive person (HSP). The two frequently go together, but are not synonymous.  So, I will call myself  a highly sensitive introvert (HSI).  And I say this with pride and without apology for who I am.  This wasn't always the case.


Learning these things about myself years ago were huge "Ah Ha!" moments for me.  It gave me validation to be who I am.  To learn about my gifts, not just see them as failings (which they are sometimes defined as in this world).  And to learn about the struggles and challenges that come with this as well.

Moving to another country,  leaving all the familiar behind was not easy for me as an HSI.  I am like a cat.  I don't like when you rearrange the furniture.  I am once again reacquainting myself with my introvert self. I am re-remembering what this means.  I just finished listening to a book called:  The Introvert's Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World by Sophia Dembling.  It was once again helpful and written with a sense of humor!  (it's on audible.com)

I knew who I was in Detroit.  I knew my boundaries and limits.  I knew what I liked to do and didn't like to do.  I knew how to say "yes" or "no" (most of the time).  I knew to take my own car so I could leave a party if I needed to.  I had close intimate relationships that were fulfilling.  I was even meeting new good friends.


Now, I am in a different country, with a different language that I can only 'more or less' navigate at this point.  New culture and customs, different way of life.  And a new partner, who I am discovering more and more is an extrovert! Yikes! (yet with many introvert tendencies...I think he is an introvert that decided to turn extrovert if that is possible...he said that life wasn't any fun....an example of the oppression introverts may feel...I am curious to do more exploring about this with him.)

So, all of those moments that I have had so far that have felt difficult socially weren't only because of the language and new place and culture and new people.  It was also because I was in groups! Ha!  One thing about being an HSI is I really prefer one on one time and meaningful conversations.  I like quality time.  Small talk and chit chat are draining to me.  I listen too well, and don't like when people don't listen to me, or interrupt me.  It takes me longer to process.  I hate that I feel like I have to fight to jump in on the conversation...so, then I just start to drift off.  I prefer the company of my own thoughts in these moments.

I am happy to be home alone for hours, to go to the beach by myself, to read a book, write a blog, paint a picture, etc. and I need people in my life.  It is hard on Giovanni that he is my social life.  It is hard on me to be a part of his extroverted-style social life.  So, we are figuring that out.  I am encouraging him to go with his friends without me sometimes and I am beginning to figure out who I may want to build relationships with, even if it means leaving the house or making a phone call!

A number of years back, I had another "Ah-ha!" moment when I was able to distinguish between solitude and loneliness.  Solitude feels good, it feels like a choice, it is healthy, something that I need and cherish.  I recharge with quiet time alone.  Extroverts recharge with people time.  Loneliness doesn't feel as good, and you can feel lonely anywhere, anytime.  Like feeling lonely even though you may be surrounded by people at a party. 

Then there is isolation which is something I need to watch, especially now.  Then it is no longer healthy solitude.  It becomes hiding because it is easier.   My brother who moved to another state and understands the experience of moving said, "it is easy to stay in the house, but you need to get out!"  I think that the Mexican culture has something to teach me about this, so I am open to learning about a new way of life and sense of community, as long as I still get my space!

Just a few resources, (there are many)....if you are an introvert, or think you might be, or if you are an extrovert, it will help you to be an ally to introverts: 
http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/
http://www.hsperson.com/
facebook: Sophia Dembling Writer, Introverts are Awesome, The Introvert Entrepreneur

p.s.  thinking about my niece and wanting to support her in this, i was looking for books  for young people about introversion....if anyone knows of any please let me know....I am thinking about writing a children's book about this...important for us to know ourselves from early on and for the parents and family to understand.