aahhhh, rest (?)

Day 14 in Mexico.  Resting in bed after a small and mild bout of tummy troubles.  Giovanni was great and made me all of these homemade concoctions, and along with my homeopathic medicine, I am feeling better.

My friend said yesterday on the phone that it takes longer for our soul to catch up with us when we travel.  I like that.  I am just waiting for my soul.....She was a good example of how to rest after 2 weeks of driving across country.  Even with this good example, I am having a hard time resting without feeling ineffective.  The tummy issues give me a reason to do rest.  Otherwise, I feel like I  am just being floja or lazy.

 

Part of my resting today was catching up on blogs of people that are dear to me.  One is a couple traveling across country on bikes, 

60 Soul Search on Bike; Two overweight, overstressed city dwellers head out to re-discover themselves and their country on a bicycle tour from Portland, Oregon to Portland, Maine.  http://cyclesoulsearch.blogspot.com/

Well worth the read.  One reason they are doing this is to leave behind the stress of years of overwork, and yet still find themselves doing this on their bikes...the need to get in the miles, to push to the next location, to stick to the agenda, etc.  Some of this is necessity of travel by bike and as they mentioned some is still self inflicted.

Is this something that we just cannot escape coming from our capitalist culture?  This is something I want to learn about here in Mexico...where they still work hard, yet there is a different attitude about it, I think, I still need to discover what this is actually like.

The other blog is by someone I don't know very well, but am very happy to have shared a short time together.  Her blog is: http://thegoodquest.blogspot.com  and  again well worth the read, great wisdom.  This is from there:

 Of a culture that values doing over being, we’re all suffering from a mass-neurosis around obsessive production.  Even those of us working “against the system,” the very system that keeps us down by over-working us, are no better, as we sacrifice our health-states, love-states, and peace-states for productivity-at-any-cost.

So, a question that I am asking myself is why am I so hard on myself?  I have barely been here 2 weeks, I worked really hard to get here, I am making a huge transition, I am adjusting to a new climate that is hot, adjusting to living with someone, moved once while here already, am setting up a new house, catching up on things from back home still....and yet I still have this running To Do list in my head.  I came with enough resources (partially in thanks to all the generous folks out there that helped me out) to just relax and be slow and move slow and rest and enjoy, and yet, I can't.

Part of it is my working class work ethic.  Part of it is being raised in a capitalist society that says we are not worth anything if we aren't producing.  I feel guilty not working.  Especially when I see the young couple next door working so hard, and they didn't even have money for water the other day.  Seeing Giovanni go off to work everyday.  Feeling bad that I can afford to sit around, even though I still worry about it.


Part of my busy-ness at home was also doing things that I enjoyed.  I need to find things to do with myself, or I will really be bored.  I brought art supplies, there are dance classes and yoga classes, I brought things to study.  I want to organize my computer.  I have ESL lessons to complete online, letters to write, a house that still needs organizing, a folder of things to deal with form home....so there is plenty to do....but actually I don't really feel like doing anything right now.  But i don't want to feel bad about not doing anything either......

I also get my need to make a difference in the world, not just feeding the machine, but to add to the beauty in it.  I figured this out in Detroit. In fact my livelihood was directly related to this.  I taught art and yoga and nutrition to children, I taught yoga to adults, I was an ally to people with disabilities and taught yoga to those who may not have access otherwise,  I did women's empowerment work through medical training,  I did powerful woman's empowerment and transformation work.  I could see how these things made differences in people's lives...so, I just need to be patient, with myself, and with my situation, that things will come about and will flow when the time is right.  My Teacher once told me, You will never not be busy, you are excitable and interested in life.  

“Activity and rest are two vital aspects of life. To find a balance in them is a skill in itself. Wisdom is knowing when to have rest, when to have activity, and how much of each to have. Finding them in each other - activity in rest and rest in activity - is the ultimate freedom.”
-Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

Letting Go....

 

“Grief does not change you,.... It reveals you.”   --John Green

Today astrologically was a day for a peace portal activation. "On August 25th, a very important portal will open that will bring a strong infusion of Light into the conflicted situation on the surface of this planet."   I missed the time for the global meditation, but still feel connected in my own way.  

 
I feel like I passed through a portal of sorts of my own today.  I had been sort of crabby for days and wanting to find outside sources to blame...(yes, I was stuck in the triangle for those of you who have had the teachings).  The past two days, i have passed through a couple of big gateways...something that you do when you take on healing work.  Tonight I let myself feel some of the depth and profundidad of my grief in leaving my "life" behind.  I let myself grieve fully...for all those that i love.  The way of life that I know and is comfortable.  My culture and the privileges that come with that.  The (sort of mostly) ease of communication in my own language. My communities.  Changing Woman....and it is painful.

Many have said to me, "You aren't losing anything, just gaining something new." and, yes, I get that, But I am losing the day to day...it is a lot to let go of.  I have built a beautiful life for myself and can see that more in my leaving than I did when I was in the middle of it.  Part of the beauty in my leaving was that it allowed me to see this and it created even stronger connections which I am grateful for.

Last year I did some work called the Dream Quest.  Part of this was a Vision Quest...3 days off on your own fasting in nature.  The first seven years are learning about what happened in that process....what were the teachings I received?  Something that began as part of this process before I even did the 3 days was a sort of deconstructing of my identity.....who am I? if I am not a .....yoga teacher, artist, art teacher...etc.  I feel that I am continuing that process...who am I? if I am not...a Detroiter living in the United States, speaking my own language, eating my own foods...etc.  A death needs to occur in a sense for this new life to begin.  I get this incredible opportunity to see myself...my essential self....with new eyes.  And now with the reflections that come in relationships...in my new day to day.  And I am so grateful to have found a man who can hold the space for me to do some of this work....gracias, Giovanni.




 



“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form."
        -Rumi

Mexico!

It is my 7th day in Mexico.  A storm is moving in, the sky is dark, the tops of the palm trees are swaying in the wind, the lightning is flashing and the thunder is booming.  The day I arrived, there was a big storm, so big that Giovanni had to wait in the car. Now I am in our new apartment, still unpacking, watching the storm.

The heat has been unbearable.  Kind of like one of those hot, muggy, humid, sticky high 80's, low 90's August summer days in Michigan, but everyday and without air conditioning.  At least the nights cool off slightly, and this storm is bringing in cooler air right now.

The weather has been adding to my sleepiness....I have been  sleeping a lot, especially initially.  Naps, going to bed early, more naps, sleeping in in the morning and more naps.  Weeks and weeks of saved up rest time, finally available.  My body and mind need it.

I am trying to adjust to the  s l o o o w n e s s  of life here.  Forget about a plan or agenda.  It will take 3x longer than you think, even factoring in the extra time that you think it will take, or plans will change.  Naps help with this.

Since almost a week ago, I had been living out of suitcases because I know we wouldn't be staying where we were.  Someone continued to pay for the apartment we were going to move into.  So we have been looking for a new place, packing, cleaning, moving and unpacking and still in process.  Not only do I have to deal with my own stuff, but someone else's also now.  I am tired of stuff.  I should've taken Mónte's advice when he said, "just bring a bathing suit and a backpack"....3 bathing suits and 5 suitcases later...

I am also finally "plugged in" again.  It was nice to notice life without internet, and now with it again.  I like it, and I don't want it to be a huge part of my life like it was in Michigan.  It is a great tool to stay in touch with and I still don't want a smartphone. At lunch today a friend was on it too much of the time.  No different here.  I am looking for a different kind of life.  I want balance.  I think once I am settled in here and once I buy a bike, I will have more freedom to move around and get to the beach more.  My intention once I no longer need to sleep in is to get up early and go to the beach or walk in the park before it gets too hot.

Something came up that really made me notice my privilege.  I was offered a job at a bike rental place.  It would just be 4 hours in the morning 2 or 3 days a week.  It pays 100 pesos for the 4 hours and this is good pay.  Some people make that or less in a whole day.  A professional might make 150 pesos a day.  But...100 pesos = around $8 (depending on the day).

This is why my friend who hasn't seen his children in 8 years stays in the US to work and send them money.  An hours work for him in the US is a days work in Mexico. Obviously, the cost of living is less here, but in some ways not a lot here in Tulum, although there are distinct tourist and local economies. I am hoping yoga pay (or whatever I might find) taps into the tourist economy.  Yoga classes for tourists still run $12 to $15 per class in English.  Local classes, around $4 in Spanish.

So, we'll see.....