A new day

 

"One writes not to be read but to breathe...one writes to think, to pray, to analyze. One writes to clear one's mind, to dissipate one's fears, to face one's doubts, to look at one's mistakes--in order to retrieve them. One writes to capture and crystallize one's joy, but also to disperse one's gloom. Like prayer--you go to it in sorrow more than joy, for help, a road back to 'grace'."

~Anne Morrow Lindbergh 

I don't remember where I found this quote, but it is beautiful.  This writing and sharing thing is new to me.  There have been moments in my life where I've journaled regularly.  One of them was my first trip to Mexico in 1992.  I still have those journals.  Recording the time that I met Giovanni.  But I was a different person then.  We wouldn't have made it back then.  I was 22.  I was confused, lost, depressed.  I had work to do.

  I did that work.  21 years of growing, learning, healing, and still plenty of work to do, and I can also accept myself as I am, and love who I am.  I have joy in my life.  Much of this can be attributed to the powerful work I have done with my Spritual communities; Changing Woman and Earthwallk, and I am forever grateful for my amazing teachers  and fellow travelers on this planet and the guidance they gave my on my journey, the kicks-in-the-asses that they knew I needed, that I couldn't see myself.  Balancing Truth and Love.  Truth without Love can be cruel.  Love without Truth can have the tendency to be co-dependent. But together they can be powerful.  That kick-in-the-ass that knocks you down but then allows you to stand taller in the end.

I saw some hummingbirds yesterday.  To me they represent joy and teach me to play.  They are my totem animal and were with me before and during my Vision Quest last summer. They are part of a shift I have felt the last 2 days.  The grieving, the letting go, the not wanting to get out of bed feeling have lifted.   I have turned the corner, and feel excited about life again, and as much as I try to accept all of it, I really do like this side better.

I feel interested and have a long list of things I want to do, all at one time!  I wonder sometimes if it might be similar to the manic side of bi-polar.  I have wondered at times if i have a milder form of this, called cyclothymia, but I am not going to diagnose myself, maybe it is just the normal ups and downs of life, with some extra intensity.  Or maybe after the down, the up feels so good it is exciting. And remembering that all of it, what we may label as "good" and "bad" is all impermanent, it too will pass, so don't get attached to the ups either.   I also don't in anyway want to diminish the lives of those who have bi-polar...it is an intense life, and I honor the courage it takes to be in the world and manage this.  

(Please be mindful about using these words when describing yourself or others lightly, such as: "Why is he being so bi-polar?", it diminutizes the struggle people have with this, it is a part of mental health oppression...same as when you say, "She is crazy", "He is retarded", "That's so gay"...you get it.)

 This is the song I play when I feel this way.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfJRX-8SXOs

Nina Simone Feeling Good Lyrics

Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel

(refrain:)x2
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me,
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
Blossom on the tree you know how I feel

(refrain)

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That's what I mean

And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel 

I was on skype with a friend last night, talking about my new life here.   "...this old world is a new world, And a bold world For me....".  It is exciting what I am doing.  Fear and excitement are just 1 vibration level away from each other, I can make that shift.  I don't know yet what life is going to be like here...and I am interested to find out.  Felipe is a man from Chicago, a friend of Giovanni who just bought land here with his wife Linda.  He calls Tulum "magical", so I am going to find out what this magic is and what it has to offer me....I do like this side better, and I am grateful for the wisdom that the other side brings also.  Wisdom and Suffering are two sides of a coin.  The wisdom comes after going through the suffering.  Amazing thing, this life!