Inside Out

Fitting In

“Honestly, if you don't fit in then you're probably doing the right thing.” ―Lights Poxlietner 

“Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?”
―Ian Wallace

For much of my life I have felt like I don't really "fit in".  Maybe because I am an artist, a seeker of truth, or some pattern/way of being/believing that I developed at some point in my life.  Less so now in some ways as I am feeling more comfortable in my skin after many years of personal work, but it is still there.

There is also a strong class piece tied in there.  I was raised working/middle class.  Both parents come from more working class backgrounds, yet with education.  Many generations of women were educated on my Mother's side.  Less so on my Father's side, but he ended up with a master's degree and we were just expected to go to college.  (although only 2 of the 5 have graduated with any kind of degree--a third on the verge of finishing--and the others either happy in their work or have self-taught skills).

I grew up in St. Clair Shores in a small 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom bungalow with a finished basement and attic to accommodate all 7 of us.  It was the part by Harper Woods and Eastpointe (back then East Detroit--before they didn't want to be associated with Detroit any longer), not the part north by the water with the big houses.  It was a mixture of blue and white collar, but mostly blue.  Patti Smith and George Todt (Detroit poet) chose it as their homes.  Mr. Todt once said (back in the 80's), "In Detroit your life is in danger, in SCS your soul is in danger."  It has also been called St. Clair Bores or Snores.... another interesting thing about us east-siders is that many of us have ended up hanging out or living in Detroit, there was a sort of feisty-ness to us that was attracted to that.

So, I ended up in Detroit in 1988 first going to college at Wayne State and beginning to live there in 1990 until just last year.  As far as "fitting in", I never really did feel like I did.  I started out as a punk hangin' out in the corridor at 404.  I've lived in Woodbridge (before it was fancy), the Cass corridor (or more newly labled mid-town), Northwest (Davison and Livernois--the "hood" for real), and most recently Southwest (Mexicantown to the tourists).

All my time in Detroit, I always really noticed my privilege.  Even coming from my humble background. There is also a good dash of white guilt mixed in there. And guilt from my Catholic upbringing, growing up reading Maryknoll (missionary magazine) and my parents tithed the whole 10% of their income, if not more. What this did was kept me in poverty consciousness, I didn't want to have too much more than my neighbor.  I wanted to fit in the best I could.

 So, the flip side of that, when I visited places like Ann Arbor or Birmingham, I really felt my working class roots, and never felt like I had enough, or the right clothes or car or whatever there.  I felt less-than.

So, last year, at the advice of a spiritual teacher, (and my own knowing when I was paying attention), I left Detroit, just across 8 mile to Ferndale, although years ago I never would've pictured myself being one of those people who crossed the border!  (this transition is a whole story in itself).  Ferndale is the first place that I feel really comfortable.  The first place where I feel like I fit in, the people are like me.  There is a nice mixture of classes and races (especially closer to 8 mile here), a bit of funkiness and artists.  It's me.  And now I am going to leave.  I needed to feel this, to know it, maybe to be able to find it internally.

Because where I am moving to, i will definitely be "other" again.  Mostly from a place of privilege again.  Coming from the US, being of European descent (white),  speaking English, and not even to mention the blond hair and blue eyes.  In town, I feel the separation.  I imagine that might change as I get to know people and people accept me as part of the community and not just a tourist. ?

But then there is the fancy eco-chic yoga hotel part on the beach....where the rich people live and play, where once again I am transported to Ann Arbor and Birmingham! 

So maybe the question is: What is the work that I have to do so that no matter where I am, I am one with all, there is no sense of other, no separation, I know that I always belong, just how I am.  And there is no such thing as "fitting in".