My first entry....

I was on the verge of buying my one way ticket to Mexico this morning, but feel that I need to look around more, check prices, should I use miles or not?....or is it just cold feet?  I have learned the power of making a commitment.  Goethe says it eloquently:

On Commitment--Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation) there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definately commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issue from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no one could have dreamed would come their way. Whatever you can do or dream you can begin it. Boldness has genius, magic and power in it. BEGIN IT NOW. 

So, even tho there is power in that moment of decision, which I have already made by declaring that I am going, I want to be a little more prudent on the part where I am spending money....I have been feeling a sense of urgency around the trip, so I want to make this decision....that pushing of the button that says, "'Yes, I am buying the ticket for this specific date",without that urgency surrounding it.  So, I may do it this evening, after a yoga class and a walk in the woods.

And I also question the sense of urgency....the busy-ness of researching all of the details of the trip and immigration and phones and questions of what am I going to bring and do with my stuff and telling people and, and, and , and ...... 

So, what is this covering up?  I found out yesterday with the support of a couple of counseling friends....I hadn't yet allowed myself to fully feel that I am leaving.  I opened the gates yesterday, and it visited me again this morning.  I know the more fully I allow myself to feel and grieve this sense of loss, the better things will go for me.  I am not really losing anyone/thing.  They will always be and exist in my heart, and there is skype and visits home and visits to Tulum.....and ultimately, this is a trial run.  I won't know til I get there what will be there for me.  I know I wouldn't have been able to do this without the strong support of friends and community.  Thanks.